Last weekend I attended a beautiful wedding. The night before, at the rehearsal dinner, I asked the bride how she met her groom and how long they dated before deciding to marry. She replied the whole thing had been rather quick; she knew she wanted to marry him after several weeks, and they got engaged within six months.
I am cautious and careful in most areas of life (other than cross-country moves) so I find this fascinating. My tendency is to double and triple-check everything, including my feelings, and to overanalyze situations until I'm exhausted. I would love to just "know" that someone is "the one" but I don't experience total certainty in any other important decisions (college major, choice of career, location of home) so I don't expect to in my dating relationships, either.
You married folks--is that okay? Did you have a total assurance and sense of peace when you met your spouse, and does the lack of that mean the relationship is doomed for divorce court? You single folks, do you expect to feel 100% sure about someone, and is that a requirement for you to commit to a marriage?
posted by Jen @ 10:30 AM
4 Comments:
I gotta tell ya. I think that reading your blog is much akin to watching LOST. I'm about half-way through, just like LOST, and I've enjoyed it, and I am always interested where this is going next...
I think that it's different for everyone. Personally, some people are deep thinkers and have good healthy reasons for why they process life the way that they do, and others have a good reason to do it just their different way. I think that some women are fast movers and some guys are too, so it's okay to be a not-fast-mover and take time to read, reflect, ponder, rest, read, reflect, ponder, and wait for the realization that this is/isn't what You feel you should do, if that realization ever comes. Let's say you must move on things that never give you strong impressionable moments, like you mentioned when it comes to moving, careers, etc; maybe it's like looking at the Island from the Island you are currently residing, and realizing that the other island has fruit and nuts that your current island does not have, therefore, incentive island living. The challenge comes when you have to weigh crossing the waters to get to the other island, and is the pay out going to be good enough to justify such a swim? Maybe it's shark infested waters, and you are taking your life into your hands simply because you are not content with the current Island you are on now. But maybe the other Island has a hospital, or new civilization, or friends, or a new family or a potential mate that will make your life that much better in the long run. Personally, I've swam from Island to Island, and I wouldn't have learned what I have had I not chosen to find an end to my discontent and start moving. I didn't have any guarantees, but I knew that life happens when we choose to try. When I swam to this current Island I live on today, I decided to stay. I found exactly what I knew in my heart I was hoping this Island would have, but I did move here with no guarantees that life would get better, or that any of my wildest dreams would come true. Many of my dreams did come true, and I look forward to many more of them coming true in the future. I just know that had I stayed where I was, I would have been a really lonely guy with no friends, no stories or business achievements. Frankly, I'm glad to have discovered something new, but none of it came initially with an epiphany, just a hope that something better was soon to greet me around the bend.
I told my brother the night I met my wife of 27 years on the night I met her that she was the woman I would marry.
I took me another 3 years of me being patient and waiting for her to finish chasing her dream man to let her 'catch' me.
Absolute certainty? A tall order! I tend to mull and ponder . . . and worry! . . . about most decisions. Once I make them, I'm certain . . . mostly! ;-)
Ten years ago, I'd say that certainty didn't enter into my dating relationships. Hence, when I couldn't decide, I quit.
However, I believe now, that when I'm in a relationship that is the forever kind, I'll know with a good measure of certainty, and I don't see myself quitting when it gets hard or if I experience doubt . . . I think!
Tomorrow I will have been married for 45 years. We met in college and dated continuously for three years and were engaged for one year while we each completed Master's degrees. I was certain pretty quickly that she was my soul mate and though she was certainly drawn to me she wasn't as convinced until the relationship was further along. A lengthy deliberation seemed the right way for us. Many of our friends spent way less time and it seems to me as if most people don't invest as much in developing a relationship. I'm still not clear if a fast relationship/decision is good or bad.
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